So last night i discovered just how terrible cat farts can smell. Not exactly the greatest start to Coming Out day, but there you have it.
I was asleep in bed when something woke me. I'm not entirely sure what, anymore, but as soon as I was awake I noticed the smell. It was the ungodly, overwhelming, "a cat just took a shit" smell that kitty litter thankfully blocks from our sensitive noses, only ramped up to ten with the horrendous scents of dead fish, rotten eggs, burned tire rubber, and wet burning cardboard mixed in for an evil bouquet of intestinal malfeasance.
And leila was walking around the bed, making no noise whatsoever, with what might have been a guilty face...
Now, Leila's had some bad turns. She has had dingleberry issues, and one time she just looked at me, squatted down, made a weird GLURF noise, and proceeded to blow out a frightening machine-gun load of cat turds right on the bedroom floor for no discernible reason. Sometimes I think this has to do with the ongoing turf war between her, her sister Fionna, and Spider, who is both invader and current top cat. And sometimes I think it's just because she's a doof.
So you can imagine, given how bad the smell was, what I was thinking. I leapt out of bed, and, panicking and cursing all gods of things feline and scatalogical, pulled back all the sheets and pillows looking for what I imagined had to be the smelly, horrid, genius of all misplaced cat turds. I feared to find it on CJ's side of the bed, in an indelicate place, preening itself in the light and saying "howdy do!" I wasn't keen on finding close to my head, either, whether it talked or not. I just prayed the mess could be cleaned up without a hazmat suit.
I looked, I looked, I looked. Nothing. I looked several damn times, and ran around the bed, looking for it there. Still nothing. Nothing in the clothes pile. Nothing in the guest bathroom. Nothing nowhere from nobody.
And there's Leila, sitting on the bed purring and going GLURF.
About now, with the panic subsiding, I realize that it was, most likely, a false alarm. The evil smell was most likely produced through gas, in a perfect example of just how foul and distressing pet farts can be. I think we are truly fortunate that, in most cases, our animal friends find discrete moments to blow their wind so as not to offend their owners (or staff, in the case of cats) but accidents do happen.
That said, if I go to bed tonight and discover there's a cat poop shoggoth underneath it, sipping an umbrella drink and listening to Steely Dan, friends nearby may need to be summoned to deal with the beast. You have been warned. Bring gas masks.